If I had to start over – here’s what I’d do differently..

I’m generally happy with life, so I can’t really complain that a crappy route got me to this point but if I could do it again – I’d be a little smarter, a little more careful, and a lot more thoughtful with my decision making.

I don’t regret my decisions and quite frankly going back I know I’d probably make them again because I wouldn’t be where I am today if I hadn’t been an idiot in the first place.

My Relationships

I’m not going to lie, A lot of my problems stem from boys. It’s like when I am around boys I lose all my smarts and go full stupid. I don’t regret the boys but good lord I wish I had not fallen for guys that treated me like less then dog shit and let them do it in the process. If I could go back I’d know when enough is enough. I’d know that nothing was going to change and I was watering a dead plant. I’d know to let go. That feeling depressed and not cared for in a relationship wasn’t right. That making myself smaller to fit into the relationship wasn’t normal. I’d do so many things differently in regards to boys and my relationships. I don’t regret them cause they taught me a lot about what I can and can not tolerate, What I do and do not deserve.

My Kids

I don’t regret my daughter one bit. Not even a little. If I had to go back to my 17 yr old self I’d do it all over again. The only thing I’d do differently is love myself and push myself to be better. I’d of graduated sooner – I’d of taken the risks to better myself. I’d of pushed myself to not be so afraid. I’d of tried. Now at 23 living it all over again, I still don’t regret my newest child. I don’t feel guilty for wanting this baby. I just regret the person I made the baby with. I wanted things to be different this time around, I wanted to be married and loved. I wanted this baby to have a father. I wanted all those things that girls dream about – The husband, the dog, the house with the white picket fence with the babies running around the yard but instead I got a one night stand and a dead beat dad but that’s kinda just the way it goes for me. I don’t mean to be negative about it cause I’m thankful for my son/daughter no matter how he/she came about. I’d of just not been so care free about who I decided to sleep with – Of course I had no idea he’d be the future father of my second child when I met him. I sure as F*** wasn’t looking for a future baby daddy while I was having a night out with my friends. Anyways, knowing what I know now I am choosing to withhold from sex with strangers (as fun as that may be) because look how much shit that it has caused in my life whether it was good in the end or inevitably bad. so because of the lessons I’ve learned from my past.. I’m being smarter.

Being a step mom

I’ll never forget the first time my exes kids told me they loved me. It filled me with so many emotions and to this day I miss them and wonder about them. I took them on as my own babies. What I would’ve done differently is treated them MORE like my babies. I gave in to my own kid a lot more then I did them and I see that now looking back. I’d say yes a lot more to Alice then I did to them. Whether it was was what I cooked for dinner or buying a little dollar store toy. How unfair is that? Going back I know my mistakes and around the end of it I got a lot more lazy. Depression took it’s toll on my and I relied a lot more on the older kids to help out. Which was also not fair. I let the relationship last a lot longer then it should’ve BECAUSE of the fact I loved those babies. I just got lost along the way. I certainly won’t make that mistake again because I will never date a man who treats me like garbage and stay for the kids because no matter what it doesn’t work out and you lose yourself in the process of trying to be strong.

I could honestly go on for ever. I’ve made endless mistakes and because of them I’ve burnt a lot of bridges and hurt a lot of people. The only thing I can do now is reflect and be better then who I was yesterday. Be a better mom to my kids, Be a better friend, Be a better citizen etc. I wish I could take back all my mistakes but I can’t so the least I can do is admit my wrongs, move on, and learn from them – and maybe teach others not to make the same stupid mistakes I’ve made.