How I’m handling my past relationship..

It’s so hard to explain the feeling I have inside, Why do I miss someone who treated me like such crap? I want to write this because for 5 months I’ve been haunted by memories. My ex boyfriend was abusive and I’m not talking about the physical kind, I’m talking about the emotional and mental abuse. You may not think that is as bad as physical abuse but to be honest I’d of rather of him just hit me because I am still trying to get over the things that had happened. I’m not saying I was perfect in this relationship because I wasn’t anything close to perfect but I tried so hard to be the perfect gf and no matter what I did it wasn’t enough, He’d find away to tear me apart. When I tried to be more like him so that maybe he’d want to be around me more often…. he ended up hating me for who I became and the sad part was that all I did was become more like him.

As I write this, I’m scared that his friends will read this and show him, I’m scared that he’ll read this and get in contact with me just to tell my why every one of my feelings is invalid, or to tell me that he wasn’t abusive and how could I say that, or that it was all my fault that he acted that way because I was a cheater (I never cheated on him)… but he accused me of it every single time I caught him in a lie, or talking to other women, or this or that. He made me feel guilty for things I never even did – He’d ignore me for days and punish me despite the fact he was the one who fucked up,  not me but he’d make sure that it was unacceptable of me to call him out when he did wrong. The most complicated thing about all this is that I loved him despite every single wrong thing he did to me. I loved him despite how many times I cried myself to sleep, how many times I begged him to come home and he said no, how many times I cried on the kitchen floor because I didn’t know where he was, how many times I cried because his kids wanted him to come home but he chose partying instead of being with his family,  how many times I felt betrayed by his lies…. the list goes on forever. I loved him anyways… He had beautiful blue eyes and an amazing smile and he told me everything I needed to hear to feel better when he chose to screw me over. He’d hold me and make me feel special – and then do it all over again. Every time promising he’d be better and would change – Never actually doing so.

Despite all these facts that he wasn’t good for me.. at all, I still miss his company.

My ex was my friend, We’d watch movies and his laugh alone could brighten a room. We’d play poker all night and joke around, shower together and just hold each other, and every single morning at 6 am I’d try and wake up just to kiss him before he’d go to work cause I always missed him while he was gone and I still miss him.. but I don’t miss all the things he dragged me through. There are times when I wake up missing him, but there are also times when I have to consciously keep myself from having a panic attack at the idea of seeing him again. The missing him has grown less intense over the past few months, but I can’t tell if that’s because I genuinely miss him less or because I’ve convinced myself that I do. But even though I miss him, I know that the ways in which he’s negative outweigh the ways in which he’s positive. Even though my heart wants to see him, my head knows better. It’s hard to understand…… Throughout my relationship, I continually told myself that it didn’t matter if my ex ignored me, that he drank or did drugs more often than not – that he didn’t come home when he said he was going too or that it didn’t matter if he said things that made me feel bad about myself because I knew that he cared about me; obviously there’s nothing wrong and I have nothing to worry about, right? my head told me that we were over before we even began but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt because “he was going to be the one married”.. he was going to change for me.  I believed in our love so much that I chose to ignore the bullshit and let my heart believe every stupid thing he told me..  They make you fiercely believe the good things they say so that you can excuse all the bad. Abusers tap so far into your heart that you have no choice but to bring in your head, and when your head has to override doubts your heart is having, that’s the first red flag. Sometimes out of fear, other times out of love, I was put in a position where I felt like I had to compromise for the well-being of our relationship, meaning if I didn’t do what he’d want “he’d leave”. This can be seen as a positive action and loving gesture, but can also be a sign of emotional abuse when done repeatedly and frequently over time. Furthermore it is usually a telling sign when only one person in the relationship is always the one that has to conform to the others’ desires. If I didn’t change he’d leave me – but I never threatened him despite all the negative things he’d done. He was extremely unfair, selfish, and hypocritical. After about 8 months I finally started doing some googling and realized – OMG, I’m being emotionally and mentally abused! and yet I still never left him!

Here are some signs to look out for if you think you may be in an emotionally/mentally abusive relationship:

1. You walk on eggshells to avoid disappointing your partner. 

2. Your partner uses gas lighting to maintain the upper hand in the relationship. (Gas lighting – to manipulate someone by psychological means into questioning their own sanity)

3. Your partner requires constant check-ins and wants to know where you are and who you are with at all times. (or does not allow you to leave at all – especially if they disapprove of your friends – most often they will make you feel guilty for going out or will not care at all unless men are there)

4. Your partner says hurtful things about you disguised as “jokes.”

5. You find yourself apologizing even when you know you’ve done nothing wrong.

6. Your partner is hot and cold. 

7. They are charmers and generally think very highly of themselves even though inside they are very hard on themselves

8. Your partner withholds affection, sex, time/company or money to punish you.

9. You feel sorry for your partner, even though they hurt you

10. They’re hypocritical and contradicting

these are just a few examples of what to expect in an emotionally abusive relationship. I’m still trying to get over all of it and wrap my head around how I feel. I got dumped by someone who I should of got the balls to dump many months before – but I loved him so I stayed. However, I’m trying to see it as a blessing – Like he did me a favor by leaving because the truth is, he did! I am free from the chains of that relationship and as much as I miss him, The dumping ended a long roller coaster ride of ups and downs that I couldn’t handle anymore. When my relationship ended, the pleasure and reward chemicals plummeted, leaving me miserable and hopeless; I was an addict without her drug. My brain was waiting for another “up” that would no longer arrive. My “up” being his reassurance, and without it I felt lost – I still do. so I’m trying to move past my grief – from what I lost. I’m trying to get myself back from that relationship – so here is my fool proof plan on how to get over my bad relationship

1. Cut All Ties with Your Ex – block, delete, do all that stuff. GET RID OF HIM.

2. Process Your Emotions – Don’t shove them under the rug, deal with them as you come because that is apart of the process. Cry if you need too.

3. Find Social Support – Don’t give up. The worst parts are over – you are free now to do whatever you want. You’re alive! You made it out of a thunder storm! Talk to your friends, family, and a counselor if needed!

4. Move if you have too – For me I had to leave town and I felt so much better once I was away from him – 12 hrs in fact!

5. Identify your triggers

6. Forgive – don’t forget, but move on